On the Dummy Line - with NEW lyrics

(posting by Keith)
For those of us who travelled any distance by car with Dan and Yvette, the song "On the Dummy Line" is well known.  We've memorized three or four verses about Farmer Jones, my girl in Mobile, and some other characters.  It gives us a warm and familiar feeling when we hear it or sing it.  Somehow Rachael and I were talking about the song and we thought we should do some research to see if we could find more verses.  Success!  Rachael found a bunch.  They are shown below for your pleasure, but I have to make a suggestion.  I've found that they just don't work very well when read silently in my head.  They were about eight times funnier when Rachael was reading them out loud to me.  So I suggest printing this posting and finding a willing family member to share the fun of reading them aloud.  I should also mention that some of them are rated PG, maybe even PG13. 
Special thanks to Rachael for assembling the list.

On the dummy line,
On the dummy line,
Rain or shine
I'll pay my fine
Rain or shine
I'll pay my fine
Ridin' ridin' ridin' on the dummy, dummy line.

I saw a snail
Go whizzing past;
The guy beside me said,
"This train is fast!"
Said I, "Old man,
That might be true,
But the question is,
What's it fast compared to?"

I said to the brakeman,
"Can't you speed up a bit?"
Said he, "You can walk
If you don't like it."
Said I, "Mr. Brakeman,
I'd like to take your dare,
But the folks don't expect me
Til the train gets there."

There was a doctor
By the name of Beck
He fell in the well
And he broke his neck;
It served him right,
As you may own;
He should attend the sick
And leave the well alone!

Farmer Jones,
He went out in a boat,
The boat turned over,
And we threw him a rope;
Said Farmer Jones,
"Well, I can't swim,
But I'll be drowned first
Afore I'll be roped in!"

A little boy
On his way home from school
Saw a dollar bill
At the foot of a mule;
He stooped right down
Just as sly as a fox,
You can see him at the hospital
Till seven o'clock.

I once had a girlfriend
Down in Mobile,
She had a face
Like a lemon peel.
She had a wart
At the end of her chin;
She said it was a dimple,
But a dimple turns in!

Little Willy was a good Boy Scout
He gouged his sister's eyeballs out.
When his mother said, "Willy, stop,'
He jumped on them to make them pop.

Little Willy at a passing gent
threw a bag of wet cement.
Then Willy said, "when you dry
you're sure to be a real hard guy."

Little Willy was full of gore
he nailed his sister to the door.
Said Willy's mother, in a voice so faint:
"Willy, please -- you'll scratch the paint!"

Little Willy found some dynamite,
couldn't understand it quite.
Curiosity never pays –
it rained Willy seven days!

Little Willie Jones fell down the elevator
There they found him six months later
They held their noses and said, "Gee, whiz,
What a spoiled child our little Willie is."

I looked out my window so early one morn
There was a tramp who was munching the lawn
I said "My good man, if you're after a snack
The grass is much longer around the back."

I called on my girl, her name was Miss Brown
She was having a shower and couldn't come down
I said "Slip on something, you'd better be quick"
She slipped on the soap and, my word, she was quick

Mary the milkmaid was milking the cow
The trouble with Mary, she didn't know how
The farmer came out and he gave her the sack
So she turned the cow over and poured the milk back

I woke up in the morning and spied upon the wall,
The bedbugs and the roaches were having a game of ball,
The score was 19-20, the roaches were ahead,
The bedbugs hit a homerun and knocked me out of bed.

the other day i saw a bear
a great big bear oh way up there
he looked at me, i looked at him
he sized up me, i sized up him
he said to me, "why don't you run?
i see you ain't got any gun"
and so i ran away from there
and right behind me was that bear
ahead of me there was a tree
a great big tree oh lucky me
and so i jumped into the air
and missed that branch oh way up there
now don't you fret and don't you frown
i caught that branch on the way back down
the moral of my story is
don't talk to bears in tennis shoes

Little Willy coming home from school
Spied a half a dollar at the foot of a mule
Stooped down to pick it up, quiet as a mouse
Funeral tomorrow at little Willy's house!

Little birdie in the sky
Dropped some whitewash in my eye
Says I to me; says me to I
"I'm sure glad that cows can't fly!"

There was a boy by the name of Jack
Pitched his tent on a railroad track
Midnight express came around the bend
What kind of flowers did you send?

There once was a hunter, his name was O'Hare
He was chased by a grizzly bear
The people all thought he was out of his mind
Running down the street with a bear behind!

There was an old witch by the name of Nan
Who tried to pass as a good humor man
Couldn't fool the kids, they all stayed home -
They would not buy from an ice cream crone.